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Rating: 1/4
Machete Kills
Good grief, somebody needs to seriously tell Director/Co-Producer Robert Rodriguez that the whole B Movie over-the-top action is just getting so, so, so stale and tiring now. For all of you not knowing, "Machete Kills" and the first one back in 2010 "Machete" are both based on a fake trailer shown in the 2007 Film "Grindhouse" that Robert Rodriguez did along with Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. The Film included over-the-top action (like "Machete Kills"), fake trailers (in which "Machete" and "Machete Kills" where both based off of). upcoming attractions or events, and included a hell of a lot of celebrities in them whether it was cameos or special appearances. Pretty much "Grindhouse" and now "Machete Kills" premises are that they basically want to relive and give tribute to 1970s exploitation Films where so popular and so funny. Probably what made "Grindhouse" work was because the Film had great performances, clever writing, and memorable characters. In "Machete Kills", however, NONE of that is in it. The acting in this Film, for the most part, is just pretty flat-out terrible. Especially from Danny Trejo (Machete HIMSELF), Amber Heard, Lady Gaga (who's only in this Film for about two scenes. So it was pretty much pointless to even have her in "Machete Kills"), and Sofia Vergara (Who is best known for portraying Gloria Pritchett on the hit show "Modern Family"). I mean , hell, there's a lot of people in this Film. There's people Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Benderas, Jessica Alba (Spoiler Alert: In the very beginning of this Film, her character gets shot and killed), and even William Shatner. Unfortunately NONE of them are as good as Danny Trejo or Lady Gaga. The writing in this is just horrible and practically cringe-worthy. This time it's written by some writer named Kyle Ward (I've never heard of him). Not sure why Rodriguez didn't want to write the Film himself because considering that for pretty much all of his Films he pretty much is everything with them, he's the Director, Producer, Cinematographer, Editor, and composes all of the music. But, sure, whatever. And the humor in this is just so stale and dull because when they throw jokes at you it just fells so forced and hammed up that you just watch it and your just groaning. Like when a sex scene is about to happen in this Film (in a really cheesy and forced gag) the Film advises you to "Put on your 3D Glasses" (wink, wink). Trust me, it's not even funny once it actually happens in the Film. It's just freaking stupid. I for one was personally displeased and was just groaning when that happened. Anyway, I'm sorry but, Machete does absolutely nothing in this whole Film because most of the time when he gets captured or when he sees one of his buddies get killed he does absolutely nothing. He pretty much just stares and looks absolutely shocked when that kind of stuff happens. Even in the beginning in which Jessica Alba character gets killed Machete just stares and walks to the scene doing nothing! What kind of Grindhouse-like action Hero is that? I mean seriously! I was also kind of bored watching this to because all the action in this is just so cartoonish and just so, well, over-the-top that while watching it, I was just bored out of my Skull and was really annoyed by it. It was just so tiring to me. But, look I will say that if you where a fan of that last Machete Film or enjoy this kind of over-the-top exploitation B Movie stuff then you'll just love "Machete Kills". For those of you that don't, however, you'll just find this to be stupid and an utter waste of time of your intelligence and your money. I'm not going to say that I'm not a fan of that kind of Grindhouse stuff because I enjoyed "Django Unchained" last year and that Film had exactly the kind of Grindhouse-like stuff and over-the-top cartoonish action. "Machete Kills", however, pretty much wasted all of the time and money that I had because I wasted about $8.00 seeing this stupid, unfunny, and just dull Film. I was also really stupid because when I went to see this Film the Theater I went to was practically empty. There was about only four or five people in that Movie Theater ("Machete Kills", as you can see, is going to break box-office records for sure!). So while I could have gone to seen "Captain Phillips", I instead blew about $8.00 seeing this unfunny garbage.
Machete Kills
Good grief, somebody needs to seriously tell Director/Co-Producer Robert Rodriguez that the whole B Movie over-the-top action is just getting so, so, so stale and tiring now. For all of you not knowing, "Machete Kills" and the first one back in 2010 "Machete" are both based on a fake trailer shown in the 2007 Film "Grindhouse" that Robert Rodriguez did along with Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. The Film included over-the-top action (like "Machete Kills"), fake trailers (in which "Machete" and "Machete Kills" where both based off of). upcoming attractions or events, and included a hell of a lot of celebrities in them whether it was cameos or special appearances. Pretty much "Grindhouse" and now "Machete Kills" premises are that they basically want to relive and give tribute to 1970s exploitation Films where so popular and so funny. Probably what made "Grindhouse" work was because the Film had great performances, clever writing, and memorable characters. In "Machete Kills", however, NONE of that is in it. The acting in this Film, for the most part, is just pretty flat-out terrible. Especially from Danny Trejo (Machete HIMSELF), Amber Heard, Lady Gaga (who's only in this Film for about two scenes. So it was pretty much pointless to even have her in "Machete Kills"), and Sofia Vergara (Who is best known for portraying Gloria Pritchett on the hit show "Modern Family"). I mean , hell, there's a lot of people in this Film. There's people Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Benderas, Jessica Alba (Spoiler Alert: In the very beginning of this Film, her character gets shot and killed), and even William Shatner. Unfortunately NONE of them are as good as Danny Trejo or Lady Gaga. The writing in this is just horrible and practically cringe-worthy. This time it's written by some writer named Kyle Ward (I've never heard of him). Not sure why Rodriguez didn't want to write the Film himself because considering that for pretty much all of his Films he pretty much is everything with them, he's the Director, Producer, Cinematographer, Editor, and composes all of the music. But, sure, whatever. And the humor in this is just so stale and dull because when they throw jokes at you it just fells so forced and hammed up that you just watch it and your just groaning. Like when a sex scene is about to happen in this Film (in a really cheesy and forced gag) the Film advises you to "Put on your 3D Glasses" (wink, wink). Trust me, it's not even funny once it actually happens in the Film. It's just freaking stupid. I for one was personally displeased and was just groaning when that happened. Anyway, I'm sorry but, Machete does absolutely nothing in this whole Film because most of the time when he gets captured or when he sees one of his buddies get killed he does absolutely nothing. He pretty much just stares and looks absolutely shocked when that kind of stuff happens. Even in the beginning in which Jessica Alba character gets killed Machete just stares and walks to the scene doing nothing! What kind of Grindhouse-like action Hero is that? I mean seriously! I was also kind of bored watching this to because all the action in this is just so cartoonish and just so, well, over-the-top that while watching it, I was just bored out of my Skull and was really annoyed by it. It was just so tiring to me. But, look I will say that if you where a fan of that last Machete Film or enjoy this kind of over-the-top exploitation B Movie stuff then you'll just love "Machete Kills". For those of you that don't, however, you'll just find this to be stupid and an utter waste of time of your intelligence and your money. I'm not going to say that I'm not a fan of that kind of Grindhouse stuff because I enjoyed "Django Unchained" last year and that Film had exactly the kind of Grindhouse-like stuff and over-the-top cartoonish action. "Machete Kills", however, pretty much wasted all of the time and money that I had because I wasted about $8.00 seeing this stupid, unfunny, and just dull Film. I was also really stupid because when I went to see this Film the Theater I went to was practically empty. There was about only four or five people in that Movie Theater ("Machete Kills", as you can see, is going to break box-office records for sure!). So while I could have gone to seen "Captain Phillips", I instead blew about $8.00 seeing this unfunny garbage.